I’ve learned the hard way that this marriage isn’t just about me.
It’s about the partnership I have entered into with Bill.
God has set the standard for my life with Him through Jesus’ blood that was shed on the cross.
This standard calls me to be who I am to be as His daughter.
He has shown me great love even when I least deserve it.
Given me much grace…
Brought me into His Family and Kingdom.
God prompted my heart with some thoughts and questions. Our conversation went something like this:
Cherie, you love me..
Yes Lord, I do..
Why do you love me?
I love You because You gave your life for me. I know I’m safe with You and enjoy my time with You.
Does Bill feel the same way about you?
My mind started thinking through the last few weeks. Each conversation I have had with Bill, each detail and thought and the way I reacted to him. It all started flooding in..
We are going through a challenging time right now as Bill looks for a job. Not having a paycheck coming in has really challenged me in my relationship with God and my marriage.
What I’m trying to say is that I have had moments where I’ve wavered.
With each challenge comes an opportunity for me to trust God and not our circumstances.
I realize that I have failed… a lot. Not just with God but with Bill.
Have I given him much grace for what we are going through?
Is my heart his safe place?
He doesn’t know all of my thoughts towards him. I have hidden them for the most part.
In our conversation God reminded me that Bill carries our everything on his shoulders.
I have to confess to you that I have not walked the standard God has given me for my marriage. I have responded with the wrong words to Bill out of fear and frustration. I realize now that I caused his spirit to drop.
I look back over the last few weeks and shame fills my heart. I hate that I have done this to my husband. I didn’t mean to…I didn’t even set out to hurt him…but I have.
Does he long to spend time with me during this trial?
Does he feel safe with me when he feels the pressure getting too high?
Can he run towards me when he feels he can’t walk this any further?
Probably not and that is my fault!
Last night, Bill and I had a hard heart-to-heart talk about our situation. He asked me point blank how I feel about him and the choices he is making. I didn’t want to tell him out of fear of hurting him, but mustered enough strength and faith that God would lead me and I shared my heart.
I saw tears in his eyes as we talked. His tears revealed he is struggling as much as I am. Though I’ve made mistakes Bill forgave me. The look on his face told me that he understands that I am struggling as well.
I’ve been here before many times. Not with Bill, but growing up. There were times we went without heat for the winter, presents for Christmas, even went without meals all because my step-dad could not find work.
But I’ve never gone through this with Bill. The Navy has always given us security.
Now our security is in the hands of God.
I see this now. Through our hard talk we gained strength to face the unknown…together.
I recognize it won’t be easy. We are human after all. Real, breathing, living, humans… even in this we can trust in God. He will provide our needs. He said so in Matthew 6: 34
“Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about its own things. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.”
Here’s a song that fits my story and so many others…