This fast has hit me in a place I did not see coming. Have you found yourself saying the same thing?

Mother’s Day is this Sunday and God is talking to me about honoring my mom.

This has been a hard one for me because my mom and I have not had the best relationship.

Though we both strive to get to a place that allows us to freely and openly love each other, we seem to have the hardest time doing this.

I wish I could say that our issues are the typical mother/daughter issues but they are so much deeper than this.

“Unforgiveness” always accompanies my thoughts for her and has been the hardest part of this walk.

My mom is beautiful. She has the sweetest heart for others. She gives of herself to the fullest.

But a dark cloud came into our lives together when I was little and we have yet to recover from this.

Although we try to get to a place we can have a good relationship, each step feels as if it’s in vain..

I have been struggling for the last three weeks knowing I was going to write something about my mom. Struggling because I want to honor her in this and not knowing quite how!

Our Daddy has such an amazing heart for all of His daughters…even when sin is alive and well and leading us away from the very thing God is trying to lead us to.

He has opened my heart to this fact within myself. I am in sin where my mom is concerned.

Really, God?!

His answer: a very loving “yes.”

Then He asked me a question, “How can you get to where you want to be when you can’t let go of where you both were?”

This question brought tears to my eyes. I can’t truly forgive if I cannot let go of the past.

My anger, hurt, frustration, loss of hope, safety, security in my own home as a child.

How do I get past this? How do I let go?

My thoughts went to Jesus while he was hanging on the cross. Matthew 27: 45-46

“Now from the sixth hour darkness fell upon all the land until the ninth hour. 46And about the ninth hour Jesus cried out with a loud voice, saying, “Eli, Eli, lama sabachthani?” that is, “My God, My God, why hast Thou forsaken Me?”

Can you feel the pain in Jesus’ heart? Can you hear His anguish as He was hanging on the cross? The One He needed the most in His time of need has turned away from Him..

Have you ever felt as though your mom has forsaken you? I have and I realize this is where my problem lies. I felt as though she had turned her back on me and left me to deal with what was happening.

God turned from Jesus because of the sin He was carrying at that very moment. My sin of unforgivness against my mom. He did this for me, for my mom and for you.

Are you in tears yet? Can you see your sin as plainly as I can see mine?

God wants us to see. He wants us to be able to see our mom’s, dad’s, husband’s, and children’s sin as it is. It weighs the same as our own sin.

Unforgivness keeps us away from the ones we love the most. This is satan’s plan and probably one his greatest weapons to use to separate us from our Daddy.

I love my mom with all my heart. I love being around her and spending time with her. I long for more of this but I long for it without the memories, without the knots in my tummy, without the pictures in front of me each time we are together.

God also asked me to look at my mom from a different perspective.

Could it be that she has felt my insecurities with her all these years? Has she known that I feel the way I have but not had the courage to ask me? What has she been dealing with concerning this? What have her prayers sounded like, what tears has she cried because she longs for a relationship with me as well?

Have the walls I built up kept her completely out?

I have determine to LOVE my mom and allow her in my personal space. I give God every wall and stronghold I have ever put up against her.

I want to honor her despite our past. Jesus already paid the price for this. God is no longer holding her or me accountable. I lift my hands and praise Him for giving us this most precious gift!

So this is how I can honor her: with my life, the way I love my children and my husband, with loving her and letting God restore us to the place we were before that dark time.

I have realized something else, something very powerful, this week in our fasting and walking down this road with God.

As I honor my mom I am honoring my Heavenly Father.

Will you pray for me as I continue this walk with God?

Let’s pray: Daddy, we come before you with hearts abandoned. I want to confess before you that my heart leads me astray. Daddy, I give this area to you and ask you to fulfill your will in me. I no longer strive to have this take up the space You long for in my heart and thoughts. I want to be pliable in Your hands and know I can’t be if I am holding on to unforgiveness against my mom or anyone else. Thank You for loving me so much that You carried my sins and paid the price for them. I love You, Daddy!