When I was six, my parents divorced and my daddy, and everything he was to me, left. My life was shattered and my heart was broken. I was daddy’s baby girl, his “Pumpkin Eater.” After this, I experienced many harsh realities and incidents that changed my life forever. I grew up wondering if love was even real.
I was taught that I had to perform to receive love. I had to do things to make some happy or walk and talk like a puppet that doesn’t have control of its own strings! I began to lose the innocence of my heart, which was becoming hard and closed. I grew up wearing different masks, showing just what I thought each person wanted me to be. I scarcely allowed a tad of the “real me” to come out and then, it was only when I felt I was safe.
By the time I was an adult I was alone and lost!
Bill and I had been married four years by the time I realized I was one messed-up girl. I went into our marriage performing for Bill just as I did as a child, thinking this would secure his love for me! This didn’t work because I couldn’t be real. I didn’t know how to be Cherie; I didn’t even know who she was. I wouldn’t allow myself to feel an emotion, especially when it counted the most: loving my husband. Love is the core of who we are! Good or bad, love is at the core of who we become.
I was tired and lost. Emotionally I didn’t know up from down, who I was, or what I liked. I didn’t just lie to everyone close to me, I lied to myself. I didn’t even fully love Bill. I liked him more than anyone in my life, but didn’t know how to love him. Something had to give because I was making Bill and myself miserable.
In the summer of 1997 I gave my life to God. Within a few days of my salvation, God began to teach me about letting go and trusting Him. I decided to test the waters by opening my heart one area at a time. I was so surprised that I even allowed this to happen because I guarded my heart so closely. I read the scripture that God loves me more than the sands on the beaches. I thought to myself, “That’s a lot of sand, Cherie.” It took a long time to let go and let God break down my walls–walls that I had spent the majority of my life building. But even with all the rocky roads, we were on our way! 🙂
For those of you who have been with me from the beginning of this ministry you know and have witnessed the changes God is doing within me. I love freely now and my marriage is healthy. I have even let myself fall in love with Bill–my husband–the man God chose for me! I have learned to love Bill and others in my life unconditionally.
If any of this resonates in your heart and spirit please know that God loves you regardless of the fact that you didn’t know how to love Him in return or how to accept His love.