When I was six, my parents divorced and my daddy, and everything he was to me, left. My life was shattered and my heart was broken. I was daddy’s baby girl, his “Pumpkin Eater.” After this, I experienced many harsh realities and incidents that changed my life forever. I grew up wondering if love was even real.
I was taught that I had to perform to receive love. I had to do things to make some happy or walk and talk like a puppet that doesn’t have control of its own strings! I began to lose the innocence of my heart, which was becoming hard and closed. I grew up wearing different masks, showing just what I thought each person wanted me to be. I scarcely allowed a tad of the “real me” to come out and then, it was only when I felt I was safe.
By the time I was an adult I was alone and lost!
Bill and I had been married four years by the time I realized I was one messed-up girl. I went into our marriage performing for Bill just as I did as a child, thinking this would secure his love for me! This didn’t work because I couldn’t be real. I didn’t know how to be Cherie; I didn’t even know who she was. I wouldn’t allow myself to feel an emotion, especially when it counted the most: loving my husband. Love is the core of who we are! Good or bad, love is at the core of who we become.
I was tired and lost. Emotionally I didn’t know up from down, who I was, or what I liked. I didn’t just lie to everyone close to me, I lied to myself. I didn’t even fully love Bill. I liked him more than anyone in my life, but didn’t know how to love him. Something had to give because I was making Bill and myself miserable.
In the summer of 1997 I gave my life to God. Within a few days of my salvation, God began to teach me about letting go and trusting Him. I decided to test the waters by opening my heart one area at a time. I was so surprised that I even allowed this to happen because I guarded my heart so closely. I read the scripture that God loves me more than the sands on the beaches. I thought to myself, “That’s a lot of sand, Cherie.” It took a long time to let go and let God break down my walls–walls that I had spent the majority of my life building. But even with all the rocky roads, we were on our way! 🙂
For those of you who have been with me from the beginning of this ministry you know and have witnessed the changes God is doing within me. I love freely now and my marriage is healthy. I have even let myself fall in love with Bill–my husband–the man God chose for me! I have learned to love Bill and others in my life unconditionally.
“See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands; your walls are ever before me.” Isaiah 49:16
If any of this resonates in your heart and spirit please know that God loves you regardless of the fact that you didn’t know how to love Him in return or how to accept His love.
Cherie ♥
I can truly identify with this blog..But the amazing and beautiful thing about God is when He gets into your heart He begins to restore you. He brings healing to you and He show you how to love the correct way. He shows you that you are somebody, and how much He cares and loves us.
Great blog..
I was saved early in my life and grew up in a fairly loving Christian home…and yet I still struggled with love. My concept of love for years was rooted in sexuality and relationships…and not in the true qualities of love that are in escence daily committment to doing for another person what you "should" regardless.
Thank you for sharing your heart and this blog. It's been such a blessing to me.
🙂
Thank you for opening your heart in this blog. I'm having a very "blah" day, and this lifted my heart!! Praise God that you found God, and are able to minister to so many of us!!!!!
Desiray,
It always excites me to hear about how God is changing other others as well. We couldn't learn to love others without first being loved by God.. He is quite amazing. Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts with us! I look forward to hearing more from you!!
Cherie
Supermanslady, always a joy hearing from you!! You have come so far since we first met here on PWC! You are such an encouragement to me and so many others! You are so right in what you aid about love being rooted in sexuality and relationships. Statistics show that this is a real issue for so many women and men.. we are not alone!
I always love having you here!
Love ya, Cherie
Beverly, I thank God for giving me grace and allowing me the room to make so many mistakes! This post was by far the most in depth I have gone in my personal walk. It wasn't easy to post at first but I'm now glad I did!
Thank you so much for your continued encouragement! It means a lot to me!!
Love ya, Cherie
Cherie,
You tell your story as if you were writing about mine-parents' divorce, not knowing who the "real" me was, performing-being the person I thought everyone needed/wanted me to be.."I wouldn’t allow myself to feel an emotion, especially when it counted the most: loving my husband." The difference in our stories is here; its that I ran from God. I didn't realize it then, but now I do. I didn't know or understand how much He wanted me, loved me, had already forgiven me. I didn't understand that He wanted to heal me and change me; that He wanted to be by my side, even though I didn't know how to love Him. And so my story is different from yours. My marriage is not healthy. My marriage is dead and buried in the eyes of the world. My family is shattered. But in the midst of this terror, I finally heard Him. And I listened. And I learned. I am still learning. I will never stop learning. He is healing me. He is restoring me. And I stand on His promises. Promises of rebirth. Promises of restoration. And I trust Him.
Thanking God today for your strong marriage, and your desire to minister to others.
Stephanie! I am in tears reading your comment.. Please know, my marriage wasn't even close to where it is today. It has taken us 16 years to get to where we are. You can read how God started this ministry by reading my testimony. You will find it on the right side of our wall title "How PWC got started".
I thought I was going to loose my mind in the midst of the turmoil. All Bill could see was Divorce no matter what I said or begged..
Nothing changed until I allowed God to change me.. Even then it took so long because I was full of pride and stubborn. Praise God I let go of my selfish ways and allowed God to have control.
I will be praying for you and your husband! Please let me know how you guys are doing!
Cherie 🙂